Alone

4:00 am is a lonely time

I turn over

Slowly rising to consciousness

I don't often forget now

I remember not to reach my hand over

I remember he is not there

It used to be bittersweet to forget 

sweet still existed, even in bittersweet

I take my hand

The one I would reach across the span of the bed

To gently touch his back 

I take that hand

I place it on the skin of my stomach

I feel the touch

I close my eyes

I move my hand

Over to my side

I feel my skin

In my silence I feel my heartbeat

I ache to engulf myself within

My own arms and hold myself

As if I were a child to be comforted

My tears have fallen

For the moment they are gone

My head hurts

My heart hurts

When it is time to wake up

I will smile

I will live 

I will thrive

At 4:00 am 

I will understand alone.

2019 - a meditation

2019 brought despair
2019 balanced this with a matched joy
Amid these two
This girl recognizes her life
her precarious existence
Bound within these two places
she ponders with amazement
And wonder
As she watches
The metronome of time
changing its tempo
Moment to moment
As is the way of the living

With every experience
she races to match the beat.
But she is learning
When she Stills
She can watch
She can listen
She can be
Existing within this life
she is creating
Instead of feeling a step behind.

The Overpass

Driving down today's long winding road

Three overpasses loom in the distance

Catching my eye

The thought crosses my mind

They loom so large

I am so small

When I was small 

I would dream of a door

A door I could never reach

As I ran closer

My heart pounded

I would certainly be overtaken

By something, by fear

Before I reached that door.

I am thinking of

Memories

Of the door

Of fears

Of feelings

Of years spent 

Learning another heart

Soul, energy

Always thinking of time as linear

Memories threatening, looming

Like the overpass

Overwhelming my heart

Overwhelming my mind

And yet

Those memories, like this overpass

Transfer me 

To another point in time

A place that is real,

but, for a moment

Full of sights, sounds, smells

Concrete.

Enriching my mind

Fortifying my soul

Until it is time to leave

And I travel back

To my present place

My present responsibility

Now I think,

Although I am small,

Compared to the vast expansiveness

I am the navigator

Directing

Controlling

Choosing

Where to go 

How long to stay

When to return

Although I 

Am subjugated by time

I determine

How I spend it

While it is mine.

Child

My sweet girl
How long has it been?
May I pull you in?
Hold you close to my heart?

Trembling gently in my arms
Uncertain of yourself
Uncertain in this life 
Struggling to understand
Not recognizing or remembering how.

You are Afraid
You think you dont know who you are
But you do
You are Fearful to let go
You think people won't get you
Some will

Wipe away your tears, my love
Trust your desires
Trust your impulses
Show me all of you
Everything they taught you to sqelch

Find that freedom  
You knew as a child
Remember when you used to play?
Remember how to play 
It is Not constructive
It is Not productive
It is Not efficient
Now is your time to remember

Where is my girl?
Climbing the rocks for hours
Watching  the waves crash below.
Placing her hands in the tidal pools
Searching for the sea anenomes
Allowing them to swallow her fingers.
Combing the beach for fools gold
Pretending it was real.

Close your eyes my child
Open your heart
Hear your music
Feel your heartbeat 
Move to it 
Sway to it
I don't care that you trip over your feet
That's not the point

Have faith in your soul my love
Believe in yourself 
Rely on yourself 
For affirmation
For validation
For love.
Love yourself my child.

I want to see your smile
I want you to feel how it lights you up
Glowing from within
Feeling the warmth
Concentrate ~ but not too hard
Building the energy
Allowing it to flow

Energy, vitality

You are your own beacon
Lighting your own flame
Remember always
In those dim moments
Moments of solitude
When solemn feels sad
Remember
In that moment
You may feel lonesome
But you, my child, 

are never alone .

Mom

I find myself winding down the familiar curves of 81 again

This time headed back into town 

As always

I count the miles to destination 

in increments of 10

Currently in the 270s

Blue sky white clouds green foliage

Endless asphalt road

18 wheelers barreling down 

either side of the road

Kenworth Peterbilt Freightliner Volvo

I test my memory 

how many  I can recognize 

Tomorrow is a truck audit 

the practiced knowledge will come in handy

4 hours is a lot of time to think

to consider my life 

Lately I've been able to cry again

I'm pretty sure I've cried three times this week

It's a wonderful feeling to not have the tears Frozen within me

I'm slowly beginning to accept my life

My parents came to visit a week ago

My mom and I get along

But we don't always relate

Much of how I think and process is from my dad

By way of nature or nurture or a mixture of both

 

I am mid-conversation

explaining all of my recent trips 

my mom interjects, 

' she's running away'

I know in my heart I am too

I ask her to repeat her words

She says, ' I know it's not the same

But when your dad and I married

 he shipped out a week later

And I ran away

I couldn't stand being 

in that empty apartment 

So I made myself busy night.

And I traveled every weekend

 I finally became so exhausted

That I didn't care about the empty

And then I made a point to stay'

At this point in the story

I expand with joy 

And I feel a sense of relief

In this exact moment I get to be a kid and my mom knows exactly where I'm coming from

The rest will eventually take care of itself

I'll figure out what I need to do

And where I need to be

But In this moment 

I have what I need 

To help the hurt

I have my mom.

Under Construction

This was written for Soul Sessions in Roanoke VA 
5-8-2019
Theme - You define you

Dedicated to a dear dear friend and amazing person who called me out on this particular
night for initially choosing to sit at home instead of taking the opportunity to experience 
community with the amazing group of people at Soul Sessions.


My heart and my soul broke

Four months ago

My life as I understood it came Screeching

to a halt

And, like many things that screech to a halt,

They don’t quite stop in time

They cause Xaos

They cause destruction

They require rebuilding

So here I am

Rebuilding

Or maybe attempting to rebuild

Thinking about it

Falling short

Feeling defeated

Dusting myself off

Trying again.

My home reflects my life at the moment

Trash strewn across the floor

by a pup whose short life has been rougher than my last four months.

She stole my heart when I saw her face

She needed me

She needed a place to heal and I needed to help her heal

Focused on her I could forget my pain

Forget my need

And then a fluke accident revealed

I was only to walk with her for a time.

My basement reflects my life at the moment

Full of tools I don’t have names for

Motorcycle parts

And a tire changer

Lifeless

Like the pause button was pressed

Life  stopped

That room exists as a moment in time

Haunted only by the dust

Slowly building

Day after day

I can’t walk in without feeling a bit lost

Someday I may know the answer

But not today.

My backyard too reflects my life at the moment

The arm of the backhoe stands victoriously over the earth it moved today

Within the earth stands a gaping wound

Into this wound was placed rebar

To support the concrete that will eventually be poured

My backyard is moving forward

Being torn apart

Being added to

Finding its purpose

I grasp onto these few pieces of my fleeting existence

Watching some of them dissolve the moment they are touched

Hoping others may have enough mass to ground me

But someone once told me

Hope is not a tried and true method

You can’t  take hope to the bank.

I’m like a kite

Pulled right by a gust

Thrown left by the current

Struggling to rise

Then dipping wildly

Not aware that in a moment

I could be thrown against the earth

Smashed into a million tiny pieces

Parts of a whole

Like my heart

Yet hope is what I have

Hope is my current tool

Hope that myself

My Goddess

Those I hold dear

Have enough hands held against my heart

To hold in those pieces which are left

To wrap my heart in love

Until the open wound can begin to mend on its own

I’m slowly rebuilding

Tearing myself apart at the moment

Gutting the previous devastation

So new footers can be laid deep within the earth

A solid foundation upon which I will rise

Determining anew

My path

My needs

My desires

I cannot yet see this new day

But it lies before me

A golden idea upon the horizon

I hold the blueprint

I build daily

I make adjustments as I move forward

Knowing in my heart

I will be different, and new, and in some ways the same

And I am at peace with that.

Theads

I am a contradiction.
My shadow keeps pace
With my soul.
The dance is intricate.
Like a beautifully woven cloth
Of so many threads.
The threads are dyed.
Expertly placed.
Creating a pattern that delights.
And yet.
The thread does not know fear.
The cloth is not conscious.

We are each powerful
And powerless.
Beauty lies within the balance.
Balance cannot be obtained
Through limitation,
Through numbness.
Only in full measure.
And thoughtful additions.
Pulled From the depths of each side.
Trust is implicit.
The binding ingredient
Creating the whole.