The Conversation

"Hey, want to study for this final with me?" he asked quickly after class one day.

"Sure" she responds, "When and where?"

"How about my dorm room later tonight, I'm free after 6pm."

"See you then."

Phone numbers and addresses are exchanged and she goes on about her day. She shows up right on schedule. The door is open and she takes a seat. She remembers what it was like when college solely consisted of classes, a dorm room and trying to keep her grades up. Ironically her grades were so much better than they ever were years past.

His voice interrupts her thoughts, "You always do so well on her exams, I wish it came that easily to me."

She shrugs, "I just repeat back pretty much what she says in class, that's all."

"I don't know." he says, "I just can't really relate to it, it doesn't seem to flow for me. I wish it was like a math problem. Those have one answer that can always be deduced."

She laughs, "I suck at math."

He changes the subject, "Before we get started I need to call my sister. She had called earlier and I missed her, do you mind?" She shrugs relaxed indifference and he continues, "I hope you don't take offense but if you don't mind I would like to use you as an example of what not to do in college, she'll be headed out next fall."

She laughs and says, "you mean don't have sex without using birth control?"

He responds, "Something like that."

She continues, "Go ahead, I know I'm a screw up, feel free to use me as an example of what not to do."

Inwardly she wonders what she always wonders. If she really screwed up so bad why did she feel like she had a direction for the very first time. Who knew and why question it. Ride that wave where ever it takes her and see what happens. She didn't need society anyway, especially not one who could only see that she was a 'wrong' person. Use her as an example. Tell the world  -- THIS is NOT how you should BE--- She would keep the secret. The secret that she was mostly happy, even if it was wrong. There were days she just wished she was that overtly successful reflection of what society expected, but don't wish your life away, right? She didn't need people like that, she didn't need society like that. She would prove to all of them that the 'wrong people' could succeed too.

Twenty years later she realizes she WAS wrong. Yes she had succeeded, but not as a screw -up. As a human who connected with the world and the other people in it; who had good days and bad days, great years and crappy years. She was never a 'wrong person' and she was never a screw-up, even if there were days that voice in her head didn't shut up. She had lived and lives life on her own terms and in her own way, making her own choices and responding to the multitude of choices each of those choices created.

She is strong. She loves. She continues to live.

False Comfort

Outside she stands on a cool gray day
Nondescript pants and shirt, shiny black hair pulled back
Filled with an immense and intimidating dream
The dream is wonder full; she is still plain
Her resources are limited
I look over at her and frown
Not quite a scoff but wondering at her waste of time
Why does she try
Why does she bother
All that time wasted if it doesn't work
And yet there she is
Never looking my way
Not caring what I think
Just going about her business
Growing her dream
Then I think
She must have done this before
She must know what she is doing
That is why she tries
I am comforted it is not my time being wasted.

Canvas

Today the sky is gray.
The Crocus have pushed up through the snow.
Dry crab grass is tangled in bright green spring leaves.
It is best to pull weeds in the rain.
The damp Earth releases her treasures,
Allowing me to decide what stays and what goes
I pluck the dead crabgrass while studying the new leaves
The first year I pulled up some Grape Hyacinth by mistake.
I watched the leftover Hyacinth bloom and noted the leaves to remember next year.
Two years ago my neighbor thinned her Iris.
I took the leftovers and planted them in Spring and some bloomed this same Spring.
The year after the Iris bloomed
But this year there are no leaves.
I look closer at the muddy ground 
And see circling each original root are several baby Iris.
I watch the leaves, carefully separating wanted from unwanted.
My Chrysanthemum patch is slowly spreading
From seeds I gathered and dropped multiple years ago.
These Halloween flowers make me smile, come October,
When flowers are scarce and remind me to buy candy.
My canvas of time, wild and bright.

Shadow

What is my Shadow?
What do I fear?
I am full in my Shadow.
Do I fear wholeness?
My shadow will fight.
Will live
My Shadow is yin
Feminine, Wet, Dark,
A Cave, Primordial Earth.
A Newborn wet with it's Mother's Blood.
The secrets of life, shrouded in magic, left to our imagination.
Lustfully Cries, Breathes Air for the first time.
Time has ended. Time has begun.
Linear time lies in the yang.
Shadow defies time, logic.
Shadow is, was and will be.
I fear that which I cannot define.
Cannot control outwardly.
I sit quietly and Breathe.
I allow the Shadow to fill me.
To Balance within me.
I am whole within myself
I am born of nonlinear time.
I am Still within my Movement.
Silent in my Sound.
Balanced and Full
I no longer fear, accepting fully, wholly, what I once thought of as fear.
I Live.

Imbolc 2014

The Earth is a womb, preparing life.
The grass, the trees, the brambles
give no hint to the activity below.
Above the ground we wait, falsely believing She sleeps.
While below, silently, life builds, grows stronger,
slowly makes its way to the surface.
We honor you Mother.
We know, like you, in our stillness we are growing, building, becoming.
Nurturing ourselves, seemingly dormant,
Unaware of beginnings ready to spring forth from each of us.
If we become still, like You, we can see the new creation in ourselves
And welcome it as it bursts forth into the full spectrum of Life.