Under Construction

This was written for Soul Sessions in Roanoke VA 
5-8-2019
Theme - You define you

Dedicated to a dear dear friend and amazing person who called me out on this particular
night for initially choosing to sit at home instead of taking the opportunity to experience 
community with the amazing group of people at Soul Sessions.


My heart and my soul broke

Four months ago

My life as I understood it came Screeching

to a halt

And, like many things that screech to a halt,

They don’t quite stop in time

They cause Xaos

They cause destruction

They require rebuilding

So here I am

Rebuilding

Or maybe attempting to rebuild

Thinking about it

Falling short

Feeling defeated

Dusting myself off

Trying again.

My home reflects my life at the moment

Trash strewn across the floor

by a pup whose short life has been rougher than my last four months.

She stole my heart when I saw her face

She needed me

She needed a place to heal and I needed to help her heal

Focused on her I could forget my pain

Forget my need

And then a fluke accident revealed

I was only to walk with her for a time.

My basement reflects my life at the moment

Full of tools I don’t have names for

Motorcycle parts

And a tire changer

Lifeless

Like the pause button was pressed

Life  stopped

That room exists as a moment in time

Haunted only by the dust

Slowly building

Day after day

I can’t walk in without feeling a bit lost

Someday I may know the answer

But not today.

My backyard too reflects my life at the moment

The arm of the backhoe stands victoriously over the earth it moved today

Within the earth stands a gaping wound

Into this wound was placed rebar

To support the concrete that will eventually be poured

My backyard is moving forward

Being torn apart

Being added to

Finding its purpose

I grasp onto these few pieces of my fleeting existence

Watching some of them dissolve the moment they are touched

Hoping others may have enough mass to ground me

But someone once told me

Hope is not a tried and true method

You can’t  take hope to the bank.

I’m like a kite

Pulled right by a gust

Thrown left by the current

Struggling to rise

Then dipping wildly

Not aware that in a moment

I could be thrown against the earth

Smashed into a million tiny pieces

Parts of a whole

Like my heart

Yet hope is what I have

Hope is my current tool

Hope that myself

My Goddess

Those I hold dear

Have enough hands held against my heart

To hold in those pieces which are left

To wrap my heart in love

Until the open wound can begin to mend on its own

I’m slowly rebuilding

Tearing myself apart at the moment

Gutting the previous devastation

So new footers can be laid deep within the earth

A solid foundation upon which I will rise

Determining anew

My path

My needs

My desires

I cannot yet see this new day

But it lies before me

A golden idea upon the horizon

I hold the blueprint

I build daily

I make adjustments as I move forward

Knowing in my heart

I will be different, and new, and in some ways the same

And I am at peace with that.