Alone

4:00 am is a lonely time

I turn over

Slowly rising to consciousness

I don't often forget now

I remember not to reach my hand over

I remember he is not there

It used to be bittersweet to forget 

sweet still existed, even in bittersweet

I take my hand

The one I would reach across the span of the bed

To gently touch his back 

I take that hand

I place it on the skin of my stomach

I feel the touch

I close my eyes

I move my hand

Over to my side

I feel my skin

In my silence I feel my heartbeat

I ache to engulf myself within

My own arms and hold myself

As if I were a child to be comforted

My tears have fallen

For the moment they are gone

My head hurts

My heart hurts

When it is time to wake up

I will smile

I will live 

I will thrive

At 4:00 am 

I will understand alone.

2019 - a meditation

2019 brought despair
2019 balanced this with a matched joy
Amid these two
This girl recognizes her life
her precarious existence
Bound within these two places
she ponders with amazement
And wonder
As she watches
The metronome of time
changing its tempo
Moment to moment
As is the way of the living

With every experience
she races to match the beat.
But she is learning
When she Stills
She can watch
She can listen
She can be
Existing within this life
she is creating
Instead of feeling a step behind.

The Overpass

Driving down today's long winding road

Three overpasses loom in the distance

Catching my eye

The thought crosses my mind

They loom so large

I am so small

When I was small 

I would dream of a door

A door I could never reach

As I ran closer

My heart pounded

I would certainly be overtaken

By something, by fear

Before I reached that door.

I am thinking of

Memories

Of the door

Of fears

Of feelings

Of years spent 

Learning another heart

Soul, energy

Always thinking of time as linear

Memories threatening, looming

Like the overpass

Overwhelming my heart

Overwhelming my mind

And yet

Those memories, like this overpass

Transfer me 

To another point in time

A place that is real,

but, for a moment

Full of sights, sounds, smells

Concrete.

Enriching my mind

Fortifying my soul

Until it is time to leave

And I travel back

To my present place

My present responsibility

Now I think,

Although I am small,

Compared to the vast expansiveness

I am the navigator

Directing

Controlling

Choosing

Where to go 

How long to stay

When to return

Although I 

Am subjugated by time

I determine

How I spend it

While it is mine.