Alone

4:00 am is a lonely time

I turn over

Slowly rising to consciousness

I don't often forget now

I remember not to reach my hand over

I remember he is not there

It used to be bittersweet to forget 

sweet still existed, even in bittersweet

I take my hand

The one I would reach across the span of the bed

To gently touch his back 

I take that hand

I place it on the skin of my stomach

I feel the touch

I close my eyes

I move my hand

Over to my side

I feel my skin

In my silence I feel my heartbeat

I ache to engulf myself within

My own arms and hold myself

As if I were a child to be comforted

My tears have fallen

For the moment they are gone

My head hurts

My heart hurts

When it is time to wake up

I will smile

I will live 

I will thrive

At 4:00 am 

I will understand alone.