The Conversation

"Hey, want to study for this final with me?" he asked quickly after class one day.

"Sure" she responds, "When and where?"

"How about my dorm room later tonight, I'm free after 6pm."

"See you then."

Phone numbers and addresses are exchanged and she goes on about her day. She shows up right on schedule. The door is open and she takes a seat. She remembers what it was like when college solely consisted of classes, a dorm room and trying to keep her grades up. Ironically her grades were so much better than they ever were years past.

His voice interrupts her thoughts, "You always do so well on her exams, I wish it came that easily to me."

She shrugs, "I just repeat back pretty much what she says in class, that's all."

"I don't know." he says, "I just can't really relate to it, it doesn't seem to flow for me. I wish it was like a math problem. Those have one answer that can always be deduced."

She laughs, "I suck at math."

He changes the subject, "Before we get started I need to call my sister. She had called earlier and I missed her, do you mind?" She shrugs relaxed indifference and he continues, "I hope you don't take offense but if you don't mind I would like to use you as an example of what not to do in college, she'll be headed out next fall."

She laughs and says, "you mean don't have sex without using birth control?"

He responds, "Something like that."

She continues, "Go ahead, I know I'm a screw up, feel free to use me as an example of what not to do."

Inwardly she wonders what she always wonders. If she really screwed up so bad why did she feel like she had a direction for the very first time. Who knew and why question it. Ride that wave where ever it takes her and see what happens. She didn't need society anyway, especially not one who could only see that she was a 'wrong' person. Use her as an example. Tell the world  -- THIS is NOT how you should BE--- She would keep the secret. The secret that she was mostly happy, even if it was wrong. There were days she just wished she was that overtly successful reflection of what society expected, but don't wish your life away, right? She didn't need people like that, she didn't need society like that. She would prove to all of them that the 'wrong people' could succeed too.

Twenty years later she realizes she WAS wrong. Yes she had succeeded, but not as a screw -up. As a human who connected with the world and the other people in it; who had good days and bad days, great years and crappy years. She was never a 'wrong person' and she was never a screw-up, even if there were days that voice in her head didn't shut up. She had lived and lives life on her own terms and in her own way, making her own choices and responding to the multitude of choices each of those choices created.

She is strong. She loves. She continues to live.